One thing I should mention is that I am totally hooked on genealogy. My family call me Miss Marples and I have come to realise I would have made a far better detective than I could ever be a banker. Genealogists generally charge at least £25 an hour which despite what you may have read in the newspapers is far more than the average banker could ever expect to achieve.
I will talk more about my oddball parents and grandparents in future posts. Going further back I have uncovered a family who were mostly hardworking, law abiding citizens dotted with a worryingly high number of alcoholics. An early illegitimacy in my paternal family name made me ask myself, "Who can be 100% sure of their paternal ancestry anyway?" Far better to trace the absolutely guaranteed female line. Two generations further back and I am stuck with the common Irish name of Ellen Leary, born around 1830 who came from somewhere in Ireland. A definite dead-end in my maternal line - for now.
Anyway, the reason this is all GOOD is that everything I have uncovered so far has definately made me who I am today. I can blame my heavy drinking on my alcoholic ancestors, my love of the sea to the sailors and my potato fetish to the Irish immigrants. If I can stay clear of the docks and canals (especially when drunk) I might not drown and if I can remain unmarried I wont die in childbirth. If I can get past the age of 45 I am likely to live to a very ripe old age. The only downside is that if I make it past 70, I am likely to be described as "senile" on my death certificate. Who cares? I wont - I'll be too senile!
Monday 30 November 2009
Sunday 29 November 2009
How to be a KICKASS commuter
How to be a KICKASS Commuter
K - Know where to stand when the train comes in so that the doors open right in front of you.
I - Identify which of your fellow travellers is likely to head for your coveted seat and be ready for battle. Use your elbows, briefcase or whatever else comes to hand.
C - Conversation. This is definitely frowned upon even if you have all been travelling in the same carriage for many years. The only exception to the rule is that you are allowed to discuss anything relating to the latest train delay. You are then permitted to have a good laugh at the railways expense but next morning you must once again pretend you are strangers.
K - Knees. If you are a woman with long legs you are better off sitting opposite a man because he more is likely sit with his legs apart giving you more space to sit demurely with your knees together.
A - Arms and Arses. Make sure that you share a seat with a skinny arsed person who doesn't spill over onto your seat. It is also a good idea to quickly sit back comfortably so that if there is little space, your neighbour is the one who has to sit slightly forward for the journey unable to move his/her arms.
S - Snoring. Make sure you identify the snorers and avoid them at all costs. Likewise the deaf lady with the tinny walkman.
S - Smug, the self satisfied Mr Bean type expression that you will have on your face once you have secured the most desirable seat.
When the journey has begun you also need to know all about SWEAT
S - Smells. Sometimes you will have the most unfortunate ordeal of sitting next to an extremely smelly person, or a person who whips out an enticing bacon sandwich when you are on a diet. Always carry some perfume to dab under your nose.
W - Windows. This is the most common cause of commuter rage. Some people want the window open when it's freezing and others want it shut when the heating is on full blast. My advice is make sure you are equipped for all weathers and pretend you are asleep.
E - Entertainment - Always carry more than one book, newspaper, sudoku or whatever else you do to entertain yourself. The day you forget will be the day there is a massive train delay. Other delays occur when you are expected at important meetings, interviews or lunches.
A - Asleep. The most enjoyable journeys are the ones where you are asleep. If you are unable to do so there are a number of times when it is necessary to pretend you are sleeping. For instance when an elderly or pregnant person has not got a seat, when you wake with a start and kick the person opposite, when you discover you have been dribbling or calling out in your sleep, or when somebody on the train dares to try and start a conversation.
T - Tissues. If you are prone to dribble while sleeping it is wise to carry a packet of tissues to clear up any mess. They are also useful to hand to the person who is sneezing all over you without covering their mouths and to wipe your tears when you realise you will be late for the important interview.
This was EMBARRASSING
I was emerging from a very deep, alcohol induced sleep, my head on the shoulder of the one I love. Contentedly I reached across for a hug and he pushed me away. I was confused and tried again - why was he pushing me away? Still more than half asleep I tried to snuggle closer, resting my hand upon his crotch. This time an almighty shove and now I was fully awake. To my horror I was on the train and seated next to a total stranger. Cheeks burning I pretended I was asleep for the rest of the journey.
K - Know where to stand when the train comes in so that the doors open right in front of you.
I - Identify which of your fellow travellers is likely to head for your coveted seat and be ready for battle. Use your elbows, briefcase or whatever else comes to hand.
C - Conversation. This is definitely frowned upon even if you have all been travelling in the same carriage for many years. The only exception to the rule is that you are allowed to discuss anything relating to the latest train delay. You are then permitted to have a good laugh at the railways expense but next morning you must once again pretend you are strangers.
K - Knees. If you are a woman with long legs you are better off sitting opposite a man because he more is likely sit with his legs apart giving you more space to sit demurely with your knees together.
A - Arms and Arses. Make sure that you share a seat with a skinny arsed person who doesn't spill over onto your seat. It is also a good idea to quickly sit back comfortably so that if there is little space, your neighbour is the one who has to sit slightly forward for the journey unable to move his/her arms.
S - Snoring. Make sure you identify the snorers and avoid them at all costs. Likewise the deaf lady with the tinny walkman.
S - Smug, the self satisfied Mr Bean type expression that you will have on your face once you have secured the most desirable seat.
When the journey has begun you also need to know all about SWEAT
S - Smells. Sometimes you will have the most unfortunate ordeal of sitting next to an extremely smelly person, or a person who whips out an enticing bacon sandwich when you are on a diet. Always carry some perfume to dab under your nose.
W - Windows. This is the most common cause of commuter rage. Some people want the window open when it's freezing and others want it shut when the heating is on full blast. My advice is make sure you are equipped for all weathers and pretend you are asleep.
E - Entertainment - Always carry more than one book, newspaper, sudoku or whatever else you do to entertain yourself. The day you forget will be the day there is a massive train delay. Other delays occur when you are expected at important meetings, interviews or lunches.
A - Asleep. The most enjoyable journeys are the ones where you are asleep. If you are unable to do so there are a number of times when it is necessary to pretend you are sleeping. For instance when an elderly or pregnant person has not got a seat, when you wake with a start and kick the person opposite, when you discover you have been dribbling or calling out in your sleep, or when somebody on the train dares to try and start a conversation.
T - Tissues. If you are prone to dribble while sleeping it is wise to carry a packet of tissues to clear up any mess. They are also useful to hand to the person who is sneezing all over you without covering their mouths and to wipe your tears when you realise you will be late for the important interview.
This was EMBARRASSING
I was emerging from a very deep, alcohol induced sleep, my head on the shoulder of the one I love. Contentedly I reached across for a hug and he pushed me away. I was confused and tried again - why was he pushing me away? Still more than half asleep I tried to snuggle closer, resting my hand upon his crotch. This time an almighty shove and now I was fully awake. To my horror I was on the train and seated next to a total stranger. Cheeks burning I pretended I was asleep for the rest of the journey.
Saturday 28 November 2009
Can't stop yawning when she opens her mouth
This is BAD
I have a very poor attention span and easily drift off into Big Bird Land whenever a topic of conversation loses it's appeal. So now I have the toughest challenge I've ever faced because the woman who sits next to me at work bores me senseless. I am NOT in the least bit interested in the X-Factor and I do NOT want to know any more about her PERFECT children. Most of all I am tired of hearing how when she used to manage 20, 50, or God knows how many people she always did things this way or that way or a much better way than anyone could possibly ever do it now. Sorry love but you are the same level as me now - a nobody - be thankful that you have a job at all. Unfortunately nobody else seems to share my view, in fact she is quite popular with everyone else in the office. It must be me who has the problem.
I have a very poor attention span and easily drift off into Big Bird Land whenever a topic of conversation loses it's appeal. So now I have the toughest challenge I've ever faced because the woman who sits next to me at work bores me senseless. I am NOT in the least bit interested in the X-Factor and I do NOT want to know any more about her PERFECT children. Most of all I am tired of hearing how when she used to manage 20, 50, or God knows how many people she always did things this way or that way or a much better way than anyone could possibly ever do it now. Sorry love but you are the same level as me now - a nobody - be thankful that you have a job at all. Unfortunately nobody else seems to share my view, in fact she is quite popular with everyone else in the office. It must be me who has the problem.
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