Had the day off work and I wish I hadn't bothered. EVERYONE has crawled out of their houses today despite the fact that the roads are still icy and dangerous. Queues of cars going in and out of town, each with only one person inside. I got the bus which was full of pensioners who insisted on sharing their entire Christmas plans with the driver before flashing their bus passes. It felt more Christmassy 2 weeks ago when I had a few work dinners and parties to go to. (shhhhhh - us bankers are not supposed to have any fun). Now I'm just fed up with the whole thing AND I slipped over on the ice and knackered my knee.
The last festive family Christmas I had was about 20 years ago. My mum decided not to bother cooking Christmas dinner after my grandparents died and since then all I ever wanted was roast turkey and brussel sprouts on Christmas day, silly cracker jokes, a hearty family argument followed by a drunken sing-a-long.
One year we went out for dinner and had a great time until mum got caught smuggling a selection of posh liqueur glasses out under her party hat. Another year we all selected a microwave frozen dinner each and the year after that my dad cooked a delicious curry. I have even spent Christmas on the beaches of Australia, New Zealand and Africa. IT'S NOT THE SAME! This year my parents are off to Belgium on the Eurostar so I expect they will be spending Christmas at St Pancras Station. Dad's not too worried, he has filled a few bottles with rum and coke to keep him warm.
I am spending Christmas with the Jehovah's Witnesses (my boyfriend's sister and family). They don't "do" Christmas but we have been instructed to bring lots of alcohol and the wii so it might actually be quite fun despite there being no pressies.
Santa sent me a note saying he can't make until Monday 28th this year - the same day my parents get back from Begium/St Pancras. That's okay, I know what I'm getting anyway. A new toothbrush, a packet of alka selzer and a sherbert dip - same as he always brings. If I have been a good girl I might even get a bottle of booze thrown in. Never stop believing - he really does exist!
Tuesday 22 December 2009
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Feel like I've been sent to prison
Well we moved into our dark dingy new office where the ceilings are too low and we have to wear our hats and scarves because of the freezing cold draft. Our unbelievably incompetent idiot of a manager didn't even bother to introduce us to our new "team" and we are tucked away from them anyway in a corner close to the microwave where unidentifiable and horrid smells waft by all day. A man on the desk behind me has his phone on loudspeaker all day long with the volume turned up high and someone left a tin of quality street next to my desk so now I feel sick - and fat. At least Black cat has been moved to another department so I can stop trying to seem interested in her drivel but now I have to take on her workload as well as mine. What with the nightmare train journeys and extra 20 minutes walk it has been a very BAD start to the week.
Monday 7 December 2009
I HATE the General Public!
Oh how the General Public annoy me! Always getting in my way with their mobile phones pressed to their ears and dragging their suitcases along behind them. Stopping suddenly in front of me when I'm hurrying for my train. One day I swear I'm going to throw a wobbly and lash out at one or all of them if they keep on getting in my way. Now that might be worth seeing! And what about the little people? Don't get me started. There should be a law saying that little people must never carry umbrellas on busy sidewalks. I dont know how I managed to get home with both eyes unscathed this evening. And while we're on the subject of little people, why do the short women steal all the tall men leaving us taller ladies with only the little boys to go out with? Oh and the lazy people really get up my nose. You know the ones who jump into the lift just as the doors are closing and only go one floor up. No wonder everyone is so fat these days. And who exactly is voting on these reality shows? How did Kim whats-her-face end up in second place on the Katy Price, I mean the I'm a celebrity show? And why do women with prams and loads of kids always stop for a chat in the middle of the isle at Tescos? And why do the pensioners do their shopping on a Saturday morning when they have all week to spend their pensions? Yes I really do hate the General Public and wish they would all stay out of my way.
When I win the lottery I'm going to buy an Island or a big house with a moat so that I don't have to come in contact with the GP ever again. Rant over, I feel much better now. GOOD
When I win the lottery I'm going to buy an Island or a big house with a moat so that I don't have to come in contact with the GP ever again. Rant over, I feel much better now. GOOD
Friday 4 December 2009
The Office Party
I wasn't really in the mood for the office party. We had been busy all day. My two bosses had had some kind of disagreement and you could almost cut the atmosphere with a knife. The woman next to me was still twittering on, something about her black cat being blacker than my black cat. Nobody else from my section was even planning to go to the party. I'd already paid for my ticket so I decided to tag along with another department, intending just to show my face, have my free drinks allowance and then leave at a respectable hour. It doesn’t ever work out like that does it?
I downed the first 3 Kir Royales in quick succession and then we found a place to stand strategically close to the door where the canapés came out so that we could have first pick of the meagre offerings. More than half of the people were strangers from the other bank that we are due to integrate with in a few weeks time. I was glad to see that it was the geeks from "our" technology department that started off the dancing and soon "our" teams were all joining in, dancing madly and having lots of fun. I'm not sure what sort of impression we made on our stuffy future colleagues, nor do I really care.
Too soon it was past 11.00pm and Cinderella had to leave if she was going to catch the last train at midnight. I had found my way out of the alley and onto a busy road when I realised two things at once. My legs weren't working properly and I had no idea how to get to the train station. A few steps forward, a step back, a few steps sideways and a crash into the wall later and I decided I had better try and hail a cab. Now my eyes weren't focusing properly and I couldn’t distinguish which of the passing cars were taxis so I stood in the middle of the road with my arm wobbling wildly in the air hoping maybe a taxi would see me – and stop. Luckily a taxi driver took pity on me and after several attempts at composing an intelligible sentence I finally managed to communicate to him where I wanted to go. In my head I was feeling completely sober, why was it so hard to get my body to follow instructions?
Somehow I must have made it in time for the last train. I don't remember the rest of the journey but I was tucked up in bed with a thumping headache by the time the alarm went off next morning. Once again I had been successfully guided home against all the odds by that mysterious homing device in my head.
A very GOOD night
I downed the first 3 Kir Royales in quick succession and then we found a place to stand strategically close to the door where the canapés came out so that we could have first pick of the meagre offerings. More than half of the people were strangers from the other bank that we are due to integrate with in a few weeks time. I was glad to see that it was the geeks from "our" technology department that started off the dancing and soon "our" teams were all joining in, dancing madly and having lots of fun. I'm not sure what sort of impression we made on our stuffy future colleagues, nor do I really care.
Too soon it was past 11.00pm and Cinderella had to leave if she was going to catch the last train at midnight. I had found my way out of the alley and onto a busy road when I realised two things at once. My legs weren't working properly and I had no idea how to get to the train station. A few steps forward, a step back, a few steps sideways and a crash into the wall later and I decided I had better try and hail a cab. Now my eyes weren't focusing properly and I couldn’t distinguish which of the passing cars were taxis so I stood in the middle of the road with my arm wobbling wildly in the air hoping maybe a taxi would see me – and stop. Luckily a taxi driver took pity on me and after several attempts at composing an intelligible sentence I finally managed to communicate to him where I wanted to go. In my head I was feeling completely sober, why was it so hard to get my body to follow instructions?
Somehow I must have made it in time for the last train. I don't remember the rest of the journey but I was tucked up in bed with a thumping headache by the time the alarm went off next morning. Once again I had been successfully guided home against all the odds by that mysterious homing device in my head.
A very GOOD night
Monday 30 November 2009
Genealogy
One thing I should mention is that I am totally hooked on genealogy. My family call me Miss Marples and I have come to realise I would have made a far better detective than I could ever be a banker. Genealogists generally charge at least £25 an hour which despite what you may have read in the newspapers is far more than the average banker could ever expect to achieve.
I will talk more about my oddball parents and grandparents in future posts. Going further back I have uncovered a family who were mostly hardworking, law abiding citizens dotted with a worryingly high number of alcoholics. An early illegitimacy in my paternal family name made me ask myself, "Who can be 100% sure of their paternal ancestry anyway?" Far better to trace the absolutely guaranteed female line. Two generations further back and I am stuck with the common Irish name of Ellen Leary, born around 1830 who came from somewhere in Ireland. A definite dead-end in my maternal line - for now.
Anyway, the reason this is all GOOD is that everything I have uncovered so far has definately made me who I am today. I can blame my heavy drinking on my alcoholic ancestors, my love of the sea to the sailors and my potato fetish to the Irish immigrants. If I can stay clear of the docks and canals (especially when drunk) I might not drown and if I can remain unmarried I wont die in childbirth. If I can get past the age of 45 I am likely to live to a very ripe old age. The only downside is that if I make it past 70, I am likely to be described as "senile" on my death certificate. Who cares? I wont - I'll be too senile!
I will talk more about my oddball parents and grandparents in future posts. Going further back I have uncovered a family who were mostly hardworking, law abiding citizens dotted with a worryingly high number of alcoholics. An early illegitimacy in my paternal family name made me ask myself, "Who can be 100% sure of their paternal ancestry anyway?" Far better to trace the absolutely guaranteed female line. Two generations further back and I am stuck with the common Irish name of Ellen Leary, born around 1830 who came from somewhere in Ireland. A definite dead-end in my maternal line - for now.
Anyway, the reason this is all GOOD is that everything I have uncovered so far has definately made me who I am today. I can blame my heavy drinking on my alcoholic ancestors, my love of the sea to the sailors and my potato fetish to the Irish immigrants. If I can stay clear of the docks and canals (especially when drunk) I might not drown and if I can remain unmarried I wont die in childbirth. If I can get past the age of 45 I am likely to live to a very ripe old age. The only downside is that if I make it past 70, I am likely to be described as "senile" on my death certificate. Who cares? I wont - I'll be too senile!
Sunday 29 November 2009
How to be a KICKASS commuter
How to be a KICKASS Commuter
K - Know where to stand when the train comes in so that the doors open right in front of you.
I - Identify which of your fellow travellers is likely to head for your coveted seat and be ready for battle. Use your elbows, briefcase or whatever else comes to hand.
C - Conversation. This is definitely frowned upon even if you have all been travelling in the same carriage for many years. The only exception to the rule is that you are allowed to discuss anything relating to the latest train delay. You are then permitted to have a good laugh at the railways expense but next morning you must once again pretend you are strangers.
K - Knees. If you are a woman with long legs you are better off sitting opposite a man because he more is likely sit with his legs apart giving you more space to sit demurely with your knees together.
A - Arms and Arses. Make sure that you share a seat with a skinny arsed person who doesn't spill over onto your seat. It is also a good idea to quickly sit back comfortably so that if there is little space, your neighbour is the one who has to sit slightly forward for the journey unable to move his/her arms.
S - Snoring. Make sure you identify the snorers and avoid them at all costs. Likewise the deaf lady with the tinny walkman.
S - Smug, the self satisfied Mr Bean type expression that you will have on your face once you have secured the most desirable seat.
When the journey has begun you also need to know all about SWEAT
S - Smells. Sometimes you will have the most unfortunate ordeal of sitting next to an extremely smelly person, or a person who whips out an enticing bacon sandwich when you are on a diet. Always carry some perfume to dab under your nose.
W - Windows. This is the most common cause of commuter rage. Some people want the window open when it's freezing and others want it shut when the heating is on full blast. My advice is make sure you are equipped for all weathers and pretend you are asleep.
E - Entertainment - Always carry more than one book, newspaper, sudoku or whatever else you do to entertain yourself. The day you forget will be the day there is a massive train delay. Other delays occur when you are expected at important meetings, interviews or lunches.
A - Asleep. The most enjoyable journeys are the ones where you are asleep. If you are unable to do so there are a number of times when it is necessary to pretend you are sleeping. For instance when an elderly or pregnant person has not got a seat, when you wake with a start and kick the person opposite, when you discover you have been dribbling or calling out in your sleep, or when somebody on the train dares to try and start a conversation.
T - Tissues. If you are prone to dribble while sleeping it is wise to carry a packet of tissues to clear up any mess. They are also useful to hand to the person who is sneezing all over you without covering their mouths and to wipe your tears when you realise you will be late for the important interview.
This was EMBARRASSING
I was emerging from a very deep, alcohol induced sleep, my head on the shoulder of the one I love. Contentedly I reached across for a hug and he pushed me away. I was confused and tried again - why was he pushing me away? Still more than half asleep I tried to snuggle closer, resting my hand upon his crotch. This time an almighty shove and now I was fully awake. To my horror I was on the train and seated next to a total stranger. Cheeks burning I pretended I was asleep for the rest of the journey.
K - Know where to stand when the train comes in so that the doors open right in front of you.
I - Identify which of your fellow travellers is likely to head for your coveted seat and be ready for battle. Use your elbows, briefcase or whatever else comes to hand.
C - Conversation. This is definitely frowned upon even if you have all been travelling in the same carriage for many years. The only exception to the rule is that you are allowed to discuss anything relating to the latest train delay. You are then permitted to have a good laugh at the railways expense but next morning you must once again pretend you are strangers.
K - Knees. If you are a woman with long legs you are better off sitting opposite a man because he more is likely sit with his legs apart giving you more space to sit demurely with your knees together.
A - Arms and Arses. Make sure that you share a seat with a skinny arsed person who doesn't spill over onto your seat. It is also a good idea to quickly sit back comfortably so that if there is little space, your neighbour is the one who has to sit slightly forward for the journey unable to move his/her arms.
S - Snoring. Make sure you identify the snorers and avoid them at all costs. Likewise the deaf lady with the tinny walkman.
S - Smug, the self satisfied Mr Bean type expression that you will have on your face once you have secured the most desirable seat.
When the journey has begun you also need to know all about SWEAT
S - Smells. Sometimes you will have the most unfortunate ordeal of sitting next to an extremely smelly person, or a person who whips out an enticing bacon sandwich when you are on a diet. Always carry some perfume to dab under your nose.
W - Windows. This is the most common cause of commuter rage. Some people want the window open when it's freezing and others want it shut when the heating is on full blast. My advice is make sure you are equipped for all weathers and pretend you are asleep.
E - Entertainment - Always carry more than one book, newspaper, sudoku or whatever else you do to entertain yourself. The day you forget will be the day there is a massive train delay. Other delays occur when you are expected at important meetings, interviews or lunches.
A - Asleep. The most enjoyable journeys are the ones where you are asleep. If you are unable to do so there are a number of times when it is necessary to pretend you are sleeping. For instance when an elderly or pregnant person has not got a seat, when you wake with a start and kick the person opposite, when you discover you have been dribbling or calling out in your sleep, or when somebody on the train dares to try and start a conversation.
T - Tissues. If you are prone to dribble while sleeping it is wise to carry a packet of tissues to clear up any mess. They are also useful to hand to the person who is sneezing all over you without covering their mouths and to wipe your tears when you realise you will be late for the important interview.
This was EMBARRASSING
I was emerging from a very deep, alcohol induced sleep, my head on the shoulder of the one I love. Contentedly I reached across for a hug and he pushed me away. I was confused and tried again - why was he pushing me away? Still more than half asleep I tried to snuggle closer, resting my hand upon his crotch. This time an almighty shove and now I was fully awake. To my horror I was on the train and seated next to a total stranger. Cheeks burning I pretended I was asleep for the rest of the journey.
Saturday 28 November 2009
Can't stop yawning when she opens her mouth
This is BAD
I have a very poor attention span and easily drift off into Big Bird Land whenever a topic of conversation loses it's appeal. So now I have the toughest challenge I've ever faced because the woman who sits next to me at work bores me senseless. I am NOT in the least bit interested in the X-Factor and I do NOT want to know any more about her PERFECT children. Most of all I am tired of hearing how when she used to manage 20, 50, or God knows how many people she always did things this way or that way or a much better way than anyone could possibly ever do it now. Sorry love but you are the same level as me now - a nobody - be thankful that you have a job at all. Unfortunately nobody else seems to share my view, in fact she is quite popular with everyone else in the office. It must be me who has the problem.
I have a very poor attention span and easily drift off into Big Bird Land whenever a topic of conversation loses it's appeal. So now I have the toughest challenge I've ever faced because the woman who sits next to me at work bores me senseless. I am NOT in the least bit interested in the X-Factor and I do NOT want to know any more about her PERFECT children. Most of all I am tired of hearing how when she used to manage 20, 50, or God knows how many people she always did things this way or that way or a much better way than anyone could possibly ever do it now. Sorry love but you are the same level as me now - a nobody - be thankful that you have a job at all. Unfortunately nobody else seems to share my view, in fact she is quite popular with everyone else in the office. It must be me who has the problem.
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