Coffee making tip

When making instant coffee it is always a good idea to ensure your mug is not upside down before you try to put in the coffee and sugar, otherwise you will end up with a sticky mess all over the counter. I know because I just did it.

What shall I do?

My positive, happy new outlook on life lasted right up until 9.01am this morning when once again I was back at my desk, realising what a shit hole I have work in. From then on my day just got worse and worse until battling against the umbrella brigade going home I took a detour into Tescos and bought myself a bottle of Drambuie. Now there is nice a drink to cheer a girl up - and sod the diet we'll start again on Monday.

There must be another way to earn a living - why can't I think of one? I can't sing or dance, I'm not sporty and Stephen King has already stolen my idea for a novel. I have some brilliant property development/design ideas but I'm too hopeless at DIY - my shelves are all wonky and I can barely change a lightbulb. I'm too old and saggy to be an "escort" and I'm far too soft and honest to resort to a life of crime. It doesnt seem likely that I'm going to win the lottery anytime soon so I am going to have to think of something else before the senility sets in earlier than expected. What shall I do?

Ladies who lunch

I took a day off work today and had lunch with the girls. We have known each other for almost 30 years so we always have a good giggle about times gone by, our eighties shoulderpads and solid hairspray flicks, our dreadful choices of ex-boyfriends and the qualities good and bad of the ones we have now. A lovely meal, a few glasses of wine, the sun shining and life begins to look much brighter. Just what I needed - even my cold has finally disappeared. I will go to the office tomorrow with a positive attitude and try not to let the idiot boss wind me up anymore.

One such story that I was reminded of is when we were at college and I had a crush on a boy called Darren. I had it so bad that I would blush beetroot if he ever entered the same room. I don't think we ever actually had a conversation but I did manage to steal a kiss one Christmas. Anyway, this particular day my friend and I were zig-zagging across campus playing aeroplanes, running really fast with our arms outstretched. Suddenly I tripped and literally flew through the air - a very smooth landing flat onto my face. Jeers and laughter erupted from a nearby classroom where Darren and his friends were all leaning out of the window. I was mortified and scurried away, bruised and bleeding to regain what was left of my dignity. Maybe at 17 we were too old to have been playing aeroplanes and I have certainly never played it since!

Head Bangers

In a very weak moment of my diet I remembered the naughty bin, where my skinny boyfriend keeps a bucket full of crisps, sweets, biscuits and very fattening things that I should steer clear from. In my haste to get there I head butted the corner of the TV that juts out from the wall overhead. Owwwww, it really hurt and I've got a huge lump on my forehead - Elephant woman not Big Bird - and I think I have knocked myself silly(er). This is not the first time. A few months ago I head butted the bathroom wall-light as I leant forward to put my contact lense in.

My cat is also a head banger. He is almost blind but most of the time he knows his way round the house and garden. The trouble is, if there's a loud bang (like me headbanging something) or a knock on the door he gets frightened and forgets everything. He then runs around madly head-butting everything he contacts until finally he comes to the doorway and makes his escape. Ahhhh, bless him - has anyone invented crash helmets for cats?

Perfume Shock

A very strange thing happened yesterday. A girl at work had just bought a new perfume and offered her wrist for me to smell it. As I sniffed I got a massive electric shock in my nose and she got a shock on her wrist. Was it the perfume? Wierd. Did she go out on the pull that night and if so did the sparks fly? Can't wait to find out on Monday.

Found Drowned

To take my mind off another shitty day at work I poured myself a very large brandy and settled down to do some more family history research.

In 1849 the headline of one newspaper shouts "Sad Effects of Intoxication" and goes on to say that my poor 3xgreat grandfather Benjamin Mason had spent the evening in the pub and "was so much the worse for liquor that he fell down. He afterwards got up and was altogether lost sight of". Much later at about 1.00am during a particularly thundery night at the docks a cry was heard. The PC on duty was unable to find a boat and so the body of poor Benjamin was not found until 6.00am. Cause of death "Found Drowned".

He is not the only one. In 1857 my 2xgreat grandfather Abednego Seabrook, a lock keeper was also "found drowned" and in 1854 my 4xgreat grandfather Frederick Wood was "found drowned and afterwards dead". I wonder if they too were intoxicated?

It could have happened to me. On holiday, after a night out and keen to get to the bar in time for last orders, I marched across the hotel patio when suddenly I found myself walking in thin air. I had completely forgotton there was a swimming pool on the terrace. Luckily I fell into the shallow end and managed to climb out safely. I made it to last orders and stood shivering in a pool of water while everyone laughed and pointed at me.

2010 Sucks

I woke up on new years day with a sore throat which progressed into a very bad cold which still hasn't gone away. My computer also got a bad virus and kept on telling me the only way to fix it would be to buy some expensive anti-virus software, then sending me off to a porno website. I have been totally lost without the internet. At work I'm still doing two jobs and it has been a nightmare getting there because of the train services and the icy footpaths. It's actually colder inside the office in our little corner of purgatory. Our boss is being a complete prat as usual, and has agreed to take on more work without even consulting those of us who will have to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. Our reservations and suggestions have fallen on deaf ears so we are just waiting for the shit to hit the fan when it transpires that all our points were valid. I expect he will find a way to wriggle out of it as usual and come up smelling of roses - or his foul, overpowering aftershave. I have put on half a stone over Christmas and my clothes are bursting at the seams so I am grumpy and starving as the diet started today.

On a lighter note, I built a really cool snow cat on Sunday. His head has fallen off now but for a few hours he was king of the garden.